Recap and Loneliness

So, I know it's been a while since my last post, but I have a good reason for that, I'm lazy. I've also been working my ass off, pardon my French. Bell hopping, cleaning, chauffeuring, and lifting heavy bags of dirty laundry or trash and running with them is difficult work. To recap events, I went to a bar with my sister and had my first White Russian (which was The Dudes drink of choice, and I liked a lot), I helped to clear out a person's room in this hotel that fellow employees stay in where we found a baggy of suspicious white powder and then found out the old resident was imprisoned, washed every window in a three story hotel inside and out, went to the mainland and finally got my Rhode Island license making my move here seem more official and concrete, and my eye, for some unknown reason, has begun to twitch uncontrollably and causing me great amounts of pain and forcing me to take painkillers. All of this has happened, amongst other things.

I've also found that I'm very lonely. Before someone insinuated that I was lonely because I wasn't socializing and said something about being in college. Well, my response is that I have a lot of friends in college, and I do socialize both there and elsewhere. I am, however, not in college at the moment. My parents have moved to an island where there are no college age people except during the summer. I know what you're thinking, but Nathan it is summer, and normally I'd agree with you wholeheartedly and announce my defeat, but there is a reason to my melancholy behavior. Sure, there are a lot of college age kids on the island. The ones that I have been spending a majority of my time with I also work with. Now, I wouldn't mind hanging out with them except that the ones that do happen to speak English have a hard time understanding me. It's understandable seeing how it's not their native language, but there's a communication barrier right there. Furthermore, they are very clique-ish remaining mostly in groups from their own countries, and don't seem to be interested in spending time with me. As for the kids who are actually from North America in particular the U.S.A. they are only on the island for a week max, and I have no way of meeting them as they are all quite wealthy, tend to only spend time with their friends, and are surprisingly secretive. My problem is that a new environment like this does mean meeting new people, but it's difficult to only know little children and people in their 50's, 60's and beyond. I just either want someone to come visit me who's a friend of mine, someone my own age with similar interests or something to (forcibly I suppose) hang out with me because I'm naturally shy around newcomers, or someone to come live with me. I know that these aren't necessarily the most realistic desires, but I'll still wish.

I just had a crazy rant, and I'm glad I got it out of my system. I just want everyone to know that I love them and will talk to you later.

Hope all is well,

Nathan

Just a Brief Synopsis of 5/28/10

Today was the epitome of hard work. At this point I'm surprised that I'm still conscious. I had to dry quite literally all over the island, taking people to places, running errands, trying to get to locations that I wasn't really sure where they were. I had a 9 hour shift from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. It was actually longer than that, but that's basically the time and hours. I was walking and helping to set up, and clean up for a "party" that was for after a funeral, for about 2-3 hours. The rest, about 7-8 hours were spent driving. They worked me hard, and I'm simply exhausted.

Luckily I was able to get out in time for the soup and music/poetry cafe thing that my dad helped to start in our church. There was music. There was also poetry. Some from a lady who became popular from a blog of her own, known as the Poet Mom. Some poems were recited, not really read, by the poet loriat of Rhode Island (I'm not sure if I spelled loriat right), Lisa Star. My father was the last poet. Most of their poetry was nostalgic like a gentle summers breeze who's tail winds brush your hair around. My father's poetry made me think more of some type of nonfiction story telling, but I did like it. I like to think that he stood his own ground well with the two published poets, one of which is a significant figure of Rhode Island (at least in my eyes) (Although I did think some of his poems were a bit lengthy, but still good). I so badly want to pass out right now just so I can wake up early again and start another day of work that will also leave me exhausted. If you want to talk or communicate in any way let me know.

Much love,

Nathan

All Work and No Play...

Tomorrow I start my first day of work. Originally I was supposed to start at 9 a.m., but now it's changed to 8. Of course, I'll be waking up earlier than that so I can get ready and everything. I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing. I know that it's Memorial weekend, so a lot of people are coming to the island. I understand that I'll be doing freight work, which is going to the docks and getting supplies and crates and whatnot. Tomorrow, however, there's also going to be a funeral that a lot of people are coming for. I'm supposed to be my boss's assistant for that. There are two things that are HUGE pluses for me: 1. I speak English, not many of my fellow employees speak much English if any, and 2. I have my own housing. Having your own housing is a sure fire way to get a job on the island. Virtually every employer here has to get housing for their employees, and that costs a pretty penny for the employers. I'm not sure if it comes out of the pay, but I'm just glad that I don't have to worry about that. There is one thing that is on my mind, and it's that I'm pretty sure I'm not 100% recuperated from the surgery. I'm not sure how this is going to play out if my boss wants me to do a lot of heavy lifting.

I haven't been able to keep in touch with everyone the way I wanted to. I'm afraid that island life is beginning to get to me, and I'm hoping that working basically full time will help to keep my mind off of this horrible feeling of seclusion that I have. I can only hope that someone will visit me soon, or try and communicate with me. It's difficult not being able to see your friends on a regular basis or not knowing how they are and what's going on with their lives. I know that by the end of the summer we'll all be reunited, but I was hoping that I wouldn't have to wait for then. I suppose there's really not much I can do. If you think of anything or want to contact me let me know. Until next time.

See ya,

Nathan

I Just Want To Say Something...

So, haven't been up to all that much lately. The most I've done is find out when I'm working for how much I'm getting paid and how long I'm working. Money is very important for a college student. I know that this is a stereotypical characteristic of college kids, but it's very true for most of us. This probably doesn't apply to anyone with a full scholarship or who's family is in the upper class. I'm not sure though. I know that my roommate from last year and this coming year his parents are considered fairly well off when it comes to money. Then again they are in China. His father works for the Communist party and his mother for the tobacco industry. Both hold a lot of power in the People's Republic of China. The strangest thing about them is that they're "Muslim". Well, they're not really Muslim, they just claim to be, and they have it in their blood. Ok, enough of the side tracking. Money is very important in the present state of things, what with the tanked economy, recessions, price of oil, and whatnot etc. Hopefully I'll be able to make enough. I think that's probably everyone's aspiration for the coming year and so on and so forth.

I haven't gone fishing yet which is disappointing, and I have no idea when I will. Last time I went fishing on Block Island I fished from the shore, getting up at 4 a.m. On my second cast I caught a 29" 15 lb. striped sea bass. It tasted great, and I can't wait to go out and do that again. Unfortunately, due to the surgery and all of my time that I need to recuperate and all the work I'll be having to do this summer I'm afraid I may not be able to do everything that I want. This is especially so if I'm working 40 hour weeks. It's a shame when we put our career ahead of the things that we love. I'm going to try and get into either writing or film (or both), and luckily for me those are both things that I love.

I do miss my friends. I can't wait to see them again. I feel very cut off from everyone, but I suppose that's to be expected. I really wanted this summer to be able to talk to them or communicate with them in some way. It seems that this wish has been unsuccessful so far, but there's still hope.

Thanks,

Nathan

Poems and Professional Writers

So, I was looking through some blogs today, and I came across a 20 year old girl who said she was going to school somewhere. She was moderately attractive, but that's not what really got me. Apparently she's a published author, she has some short stories out, a book, is currently coming out with a graphic novel, and is working on a script with a film student. This mostly caught my attention, because that's what I wish to be doing in the future. She's already doing it and is a year younger than me. It's disheartening sometimes seeing things like that, but I'll try my best not to lose hope and a fighting spirit. I need to keep some ambition, right?

On another note, last night and when I woke up this morning I wrote some poems. They don't have any titles, and they're still works in progress, but I decided that I'd share them on my blog. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, except that they'll take up a lot of space and I felt like sharing some writing even if I did do it all spur of the moment (sort of). Here they are:

1^st poem

Because I haven’t been myself as of late,

It’s been a tough year, tough crowd,

And I couldn’t have postulated,

That things would turn out this way,

That clouds would soak up sun rays, and pour acid onto the backs of babes.

I didn’t know I’d burn through, taking everything, and leaving only ash.

I didn’t consider the consequences,

And in that moment, forgot about you.

Who am I to do something so inconceivably sinister,

As unprovoked and unknowingly as it was,

It still makes me a terrible person.

And here I am alone,

Me, myself,

Here, without you,

To contemplate this need to live,

With lackluster lives of unpolished rocks,

I stand at the foot of the grave,

At the edge of the world,

On the shores of an island long forgotten,

With clichés in hand, and a need for something hard,

To drink or throw, it really doesn’t matter anymore.

I need to need, and want to want,

2^nd poem

This isn’t me anymore,

I’m a lost cause.

You won’t hear anything,

That I’m telling you,

It’s simply inevitable.

Your ears,

They’re clogged with yourself.

I tried to help you out, but you just squirmed and turned over,

I couldn’t reach, and so, you fell.

I’m not the man I once was,

Discouraged, beaten, rough, unpolished, dirty,

I think when I left I was a boy,

Things change, I’ve lost my religion,

I’m a free thinker, a philosopher of the word,

Pen and paper clutched as life itself,

I will write you a sonnet,

That reflects everything you are to me,

Perfection.

3^rd poem

Here is everything,

I’ll give it up,

Give it to you to throw away,

It’s only my life,

A crumpled up piece of paper,

Trash to some,

Hopefully treasure to another,

I wrote a eulogy,

With words jagged and calloused,

I’d forgotten the days when you called me smooth,

It’s been a while, and I’d completely forgotten myself.

I used to be a boy of seven feet,

Now I’m a man just below six.

Where did the days go?

Where did I go?

Where did we go?

I’ll come to visit,

With my hands in my pockets, head down,

Let’s make this awkward.

You’ll tell me my life is meaningless, and worthless,

I’ll take it, take everything, and let you continue,

Undeterred, unpresumptuous,

I deserve all that I get.

The fallen son of a man on a rock.

I am he.

4^th poem

No one knows the pain it takes to make leeway anymore,

Constructed out of paper hearts,

I gather my wits about me,

And proceed to the next tent,

Clowns assimilate, and I cower,

Happy masks covering the deranged,

I carry on,

To the next, and thereafter,

Here I am, on my merry way,

A man about town so to speak,

Town is the size of an anthill,

And I have nowhere to go,

I can’t find what I’m looking for,

Scoured the world for something not there,

Hopeless?

Hapless.

I consummate my wanderings,

By continuing,

It never ends,

It can’t, and so forth,

I bear my back to the wind,

Which scrapes and tears,

Leaving burns and marks upon my back,

I fall to my knees, and call to the hills,

My help is nowhere.

So, I get up, and persist.

This is how it goes.

5^th poem

It’s not that hard to write a poem,

Just put down words,

And feelings thereof.

I used to write down what came to mind,

Now it’s what comes to heart,

And haven’t looked back since.

Otherwise a pillar of salt I would become.

Oh biblical references,

Acknowledge such things and you will prosper,

So the wise would say, or something similar,

I do not claim to do the impossible, although life is full of bumps and hills and mountains,

It’s a difficult time, to live and whatnot.

My syntax has become a baffled mess,

Thrown up to the heavens only to come down jumbled,

To live a life so free, would make dull a life of inclinations.

I cannot tell you a formula,

Or give a proper example,

Do something,

Make it your own,

Lest it be original, shine your own light.

My Travels

Finally made it back to the island (Block Island for those who don't know). It was 11 hours of driving (my dad really) through Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Connecticut and Rhode Island (I think those are the only places). It seems strange to come here, and I had plenty of time to think about it on the slow hour long ferry ride. My parents call this place home. I call it their home. I don't see it as my own, and this has been brought up more than once already since I got here. I lived 13 years in New Jersey, 7 years in Kentucky, 2 (college) years in Ohio, and will live a few months out of the year on this island. I don't really feel like anywhere is home right now, and it's a pretty tough thing to have to deal with, at least for me. It's on top of everything else that I've had going on in my life. I'm a man without a home. I'm searching for this sacred place. I look out to the ocean which seems green with envy at this moving mass, towards the clouds of white cotton suspended above me in the distance, and I wonder. If home is where the heart is, and I'm looking for home; then I'm looking to give my heart away. Does that sound right?

Aside from these few quandaries I'm all right. The healing is coming along nicely. Although I'm still ashamed to go out in public. I don't know when I start my job, or if I should also try to get another. I'm eventually going to get a haircut, and hopefully get to spend more time reading and writing (and outside doing physical activities and whatnot). I hope to be leading a normal life soon, but as a pk who knows if that'll even be an option.

Chow,

Nathan

The City of Something...

My last day in Cleveland the city of...whatever Cleveland is known for. I'd like to say I've really gotten to know this city well. What with the random people asking for money, the bizarre and confusing way that the streets are set up, the fact that I still haven't found a grocery store and I've been here for a week now, the alarming lack of movie theaters, and the five or so nearby Winking Lizards (although they have good food [and drinks] it's probably not the best idea to put a restaurant within walking distance of itself). It's been a "great" bonding experience with my parents, which of course will be even better when I take the 11 hour drive back to Rhode Island with my dad. Honestly, a part of me will miss this place. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll ever want to live in Cleveland, not that there's anything wrong with it, just that I'll forever associate it with being cramped up in a room with my parents for a week and surgery that had tormented me for about a year. I'm truly going to miss everyone that I'm leaving in Ohio, but I'll get to see people in the New England area that I don't usually get to see (nor have I seen in quite a while) and it's only for 3 months. I'll post another blog when I can.

Muchos gracias,

Nathan